BREAKING NEWS: MARCON TO BE INTERIM NFL COMMISSIONER
NFL commissioner Roger "Make Sure We F Saints" Goodell has, in an unprecedented move, made long-time Saints' fan, Jeff Marcon of Kenner, LA, indefinitely the interim commissioner.
Goodell said he will travel to Sumatra for a "soul cleansing time" and try the same psychedelic drug ayahuasca, that Aaron Rodgers tried.
"I am humbled and excited to help the NFL," said Marcon. "I will be working with NFL owners and the NFL players' association to implement immediate changes, ones that will not screw the Saints every year. "
Marcon provided an initial list of rule changes and other orders that will be installed for the 2023 season:
1. All Pass Interference calls reviewable
Teams will have 2 PI challenges per game.
Arm barring by offensive players will be main focus.
2. An electronic chip will be installed in every NFL game ball.
The chip will work with Hawk eye system.
Hawk-Eye is a computer vision system used in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, rugby union, association football and volleyball, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a profile of its statistically most likely path as a moving image. The onscreen representation of the trajectory results is called Shot Spot.
Instead of geriatric, over-weight side judges guessing, this technology will quickly show touchdowns, out-of-bounds plays, etc
3. All NFL crews will be full-time, and crews will rotate every game.
"A multi-billion dollar business is governed by part-time refs.. It's ludicrous," Marcon fumed.
4. Bill Vinovich and his entire NOLA no-call crew permanently banned from league.
5. QB sacks will be determined by defender pulling either flags from waist or pushing a belt buzzer that stops the play (thanks Deion)
Just kidding. The current sack rule will be totally scrapped, and only severe blows to QBs head will be flagged.
6. Current over-time rules will change to college rules, but ball will be placed at 45.
7. All kickoffs will be eliminated.
After scores, ball will be placed at 25.
8. The "complete the catch" rule scrapped, and revert back to simply possession and 2 feet down.
"If sandlot game catches can use this rule,why not NFL?" Marcon said.
9. NFL refs will now face media scrutiny after each game. Also, an independent supervisory board, voted in by current NFL players, will be elected to judge & punish grievous errors by refs, to include monetary fines and possible exile to Russia
10. Pass interference and illegal contact rules to be scrapped.
PI will now mirror college rule, and be a spot foul.
Illegal contact will be a 10-yard penalty, but no longer an automatic first down.
11. NFL technology and social media teams will wipe all videos and other media of NOLA no-call and Minneapolis Miracle from existence.
Any media outlet showing these replays will be fined $1 zillion.
12. Minnesota Vikings will no longer be allowed to play that obnoxious viking horn sound after every play.
13. Stadium announcers are banned from saying every 3rd down, "It's thhhhhhhhiiiiiiiirrrrrrd dowwwwwwnnnnnn!"
"In an air of transparency not seen ever in the NFL, you can contact my office and we will consider any and all other changes to improve the game," Marcon said.
