A can of green beans

When my mom and I moved back to New Orleans from Texas around 1975ish (funny I really don't know why we moved back...), I can remember my mom doing grocery shopping for my dad.

Not until years later, did I give thought to how odd this entire relationship was.

Fact is my dad never did drive. So this was part of this oddity. I've asked my sisters why he didn't drive, and they never really could explain.

Well, one vivid memory I have was my dad fussing at my mom, as she unloaded groceries from those heavy brown paper bags in his tiny apartment kitchen.  It was the memory of him, fussing at her at prices of little stuff... like....

A can of green beans.

I can hear him saying, "why did you pay 39 cents for these, when they were on sale for 35 cents?"

Instead of being grateful, he chose to nit-pick about pennies.  I am sure these were only few of the seeds sown that reaped a spirit of poverty that I have battled my entire life, even now almost 58 years into this joyous life.

I've prayed about it. I've fought it. But very often (really up until the last 5-6 years), the poverty darkness clouded my spirit of generosity, the latter I yearned to know, to feel.

Truth is this poverty spirit was a major thorn in my marriage, and bothered Denise to no end. We never talked about this (lack of communication about difficult subjects another major marital problem...)

I truly don't want part of my legacy to be that of meagerness, but of fruitfulness, of generosity in all things: time, money, service.

Lord, give me a spirit of giving, of generosity to others. Help me to see opportunities to share my blessings with others around me.

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

"“A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” Proverbs 11:25

the hole

As joyous as I walk daily, knowing in my heart that God has such great plans still for my life, I still have a hole.

In moments when I am alone in my house, even as worship fills my ears thru ear buds, I am often lonely. 

I stare down into that hole of being alone, of not having someone to love, to hold, to kiss, to snuggle with, and to share my deepest emotions.

Sadness touches my mind, as I see others find a mate to be with, even if it's just casual dating.  How did they find someone?  I've wandered in this dessert of singleness, and fight the doubt of ever finding someone.

A scene is Yellowstone, resonates in my soul...  Beth and Rip, who love each other wildly, both realize that the hurt they've experienced in past relationships, might taint them from ever really feeling love again. I cried when I heard this, wondering if that was me.. that the depths of her affair might never really truly heal, that I won't ever feel that unconditional love I felt.

But I have to grasp tightly to God, pushing away the searing hurt, the dark doubt, and believe that He will still make a way for that next love of my life.

But man, the seeming endless wait - now more than 7 years! - sure is tough.

God is Jehovah Jireh, my great provider.