Jeff's Not So Great Dating Adventures

"Hey good looking...back to pick you up later!"
Yep, good ol' Mister Microphone, y’all remember this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYEXBTlWf_4

Well, I"m thinking using this method because might be less painful and more effective than online dating!!!
Dang, at least with Mister Microphone, you were speaking to a I-can-see-you person, not photo-shopped/app enhanced gallery of pictures! (More on this later!)

I've navigated this odd cyber world now for off-and-on more than 7 years, and I desire nothing more than to 
get off of it!
Match. com, Eharmony, Christian Mingle, POF, Tinder, Ourtime... Yep, I've tested many. Again, means to and end.


Friends Advice (all married and without a clue...)

Many friends have some delusional "man You're so lucky.. what I would do if I were single" dreamworld.  they have ZERO clue.
I've had many tell me "Oh, get off those sites. Man, you're a good looking, good guy, just let it happen and meet someone
Yeah, sitting home, working and playing golf I come across a great selection of single women! 
Or "Man, get off those sites. Just chill, and let them come to you!"  another wonderful and woeful awful piece of advice.


Swimming in the Cesspool
One thing hasn't changed: I'm a pretty cool and normal fish swimming in a cesspool of creepers.
Creepers?  Showing their junk, bare chested, endless texts/stalking... yeah, only few of stories I've been told.  
So the challenge becomes how to poke your head up and show you're not one of these creeper rejects!


The One-Offs
If I were to guess how many 1st-only dates - what I call one-offs - I'd peg over/under at 100 lol.

 Not kidding. And 95%+ time, I pick up the bill(s). So, we're talking mucho moolah.

I've pondered how do I reduce the number of one-offs.  It's a question worthy of Socrates or Einstein.

My vast experimenting has deducted a few methods, none proven to be 100% successful:
- asking what exactly they want, and what they like
- Facebook stalking (actually as I've progressed in this game, the most effective!)
- trying to determine why they're now single

Selection time:  Lessons learned

Sure warning signs on their online profiles:

Laying in bed selfie
Sexy is cool, but bed selfies, nah that's trying just a little too much.

The Magical Apps:

The use of apps to wash out blemishes, create fake eyes, etc... yeah, it's a thing. And a sure warning sign.

Also, what's up with the apps that add bunny ears, mouse noses, et al?  

Head shot only 
Met one woman who had multiple head shot poses, all from side angles.
We texted and seemed to have some initial chemistry.
Well, when she showed up (30 minutes late...strike one), immediately it was apparent she wasn't "average build," as she was built like a middle LB (strike 2)
She sat, I bought her a drink, and ... whoa....  now the head-shot only reason!  Not to be ugly, but I didn't know which eye to look into: as she was severely cock-eyed. (Strike 3: it was a short date, and no 2nd date)

Bait n switch! 
Many have group only, pics, only w other women. You literally don't know who's profile it is! LOL

Photoshopped
Early in my adventure, I connected with who appeared to be a very attractive Brazilian woman.
We met Uptown for early diner.  Well, it was obvious from jump, ALL of her pictures were photoshopped. Add to this, she basically fudged and failed to disclose she was an unemployed actress.

Glamour shots
Yeah, 1980s Glamour Shots don't really do it.

 Selfies with animals
Ok, look, I love animals.  But I'd say profile pics with dogs (or just pics of dogs...) doesn't show you're really on the hunt for a relationship.  Especially if the selfie is you and .. wait for it....a hamster.

Pics with dog licking and kissing you on the lips… ummmm, wow, big no.

User name "sexxy" or "hotty "
Ummmm, nope.

Sticking tongue out
Never quite got the tongue wagging selfies

Bootylicious
I've never dated a woman of color.  But apparently from the hundreds of shots from behind (often self taken via mirrors) of their bubble butt booties sticking out is a thing. 

Profile is pic of a picture
Ummmm, can you say "selfie"?

It's really a not-so great adventure, one that I wouldn't really wish upon any of my friends.

BREAKING NEWS: MARCON TO BE INTERIM NFL COMMISSIONER

 BREAKING NEWS: MARCON TO BE INTERIM NFL COMMISSIONER

NFL commissioner Roger "Make Sure We F Saints" Goodell has, in an unprecedented move, made long-time Saints' fan, Jeff Marcon of Kenner, LA, indefinitely the interim commissioner.

Goodell said he will travel to Sumatra for a "soul cleansing time" and try the same psychedelic drug ayahuasca, that Aaron Rodgers tried. 

"I am humbled and excited to help the NFL," said Marcon. "I will be working with NFL owners and the NFL players' association to implement immediate changes, ones that will not screw the Saints every year. "

Marcon provided an initial list of rule changes and other orders that will be installed for the 2023 season:

1. All Pass Interference calls reviewable

    Teams will have 2 PI challenges per game.

    Arm barring by offensive players will be main focus.

2. An electronic chip will be installed in every NFL game ball.

    The chip will work with Hawk eye system.

   Hawk-Eye is a computer vision system used in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, rugby union, association football and volleyball, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a profile of its statistically most likely path as a moving image. The onscreen representation of the trajectory results is called Shot Spot.

    Instead of geriatric, over-weight side judges guessing, this technology will quickly show touchdowns, out-of-bounds plays, etc

3. All NFL crews will be full-time, and crews will rotate every game.

    "A multi-billion dollar business is governed by part-time refs.. It's ludicrous," Marcon fumed.

4. Bill Vinovich and his entire NOLA no-call crew permanently banned from league.

5. QB sacks will be determined by defender pulling either flags from waist or pushing  a belt buzzer that stops the play (thanks Deion)

    Just kidding.  The current sack rule will be totally scrapped, and only severe blows to QBs head will be flagged.

6. Current over-time rules will change to college rules, but ball will be placed at 45.

7. All kickoffs will be eliminated. 

    After scores, ball will be placed at 25.

8. The "complete the catch" rule scrapped, and revert back to simply possession and 2 feet down. 

    "If sandlot game catches can use this rule,why not NFL?" Marcon said.

9. NFL refs will now face media scrutiny after each game. Also, an independent supervisory board, voted in by current NFL players, will be elected to judge & punish grievous errors by refs, to include monetary fines and possible exile to Russia

10. Pass interference and illegal contact rules to be scrapped.

PI will now mirror college rule, and be a spot foul.

Illegal contact will be a 10-yard penalty, but no longer an automatic first down.

11. NFL technology and social media teams will wipe all videos and other media of NOLA no-call and Minneapolis Miracle from existence.

    Any media outlet showing these replays will be fined $1 zillion.

12. Minnesota Vikings will no longer be allowed to play that obnoxious viking horn sound after every play.

13. Stadium announcers are banned from saying every 3rd down, "It's thhhhhhhhiiiiiiiirrrrrrd dowwwwwwnnnnnn!"

"In an air of transparency not seen ever in the NFL, you can contact my office and we will consider any and all other changes to improve the game," Marcon said.