Jeff's Not So Great Dating Adventures

"Hey good looking...back to pick you up later!"
Yep, good ol' Mister Microphone, y’all remember this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYEXBTlWf_4

Well, I"m thinking using this method because might be less painful and more effective than online dating!!!
Dang, at least with Mister Microphone, you were speaking to a I-can-see-you person, not photo-shopped/app enhanced gallery of pictures! (More on this later!)

I've navigated this odd cyber world now for off-and-on more than 7 years, and I desire nothing more than to 
get off of it!
Match. com, Eharmony, Christian Mingle, POF, Tinder, Ourtime... Yep, I've tested many. Again, means to and end.


Friends Advice (all married and without a clue...)

Many friends have some delusional "man You're so lucky.. what I would do if I were single" dreamworld.  they have ZERO clue.
I've had many tell me "Oh, get off those sites. Man, you're a good looking, good guy, just let it happen and meet someone
Yeah, sitting home, working and playing golf I come across a great selection of single women! 
Or "Man, get off those sites. Just chill, and let them come to you!"  another wonderful and woeful awful piece of advice.


Swimming in the Cesspool
One thing hasn't changed: I'm a pretty cool and normal fish swimming in a cesspool of creepers.
Creepers?  Showing their junk, bare chested, endless texts/stalking... yeah, only few of stories I've been told.  
So the challenge becomes how to poke your head up and show you're not one of these creeper rejects!


The One-Offs
If I were to guess how many 1st-only dates - what I call one-offs - I'd peg over/under at 100 lol.

 Not kidding. And 95%+ time, I pick up the bill(s). So, we're talking mucho moolah.

I've pondered how do I reduce the number of one-offs.  It's a question worthy of Socrates or Einstein.

My vast experimenting has deducted a few methods, none proven to be 100% successful:
- asking what exactly they want, and what they like
- Facebook stalking (actually as I've progressed in this game, the most effective!)
- trying to determine why they're now single

Selection time:  Lessons learned

Sure warning signs on their online profiles:

Laying in bed selfie
Sexy is cool, but bed selfies, nah that's trying just a little too much.

The Magical Apps:

The use of apps to wash out blemishes, create fake eyes, etc... yeah, it's a thing. And a sure warning sign.

Also, what's up with the apps that add bunny ears, mouse noses, et al?  

Head shot only 
Met one woman who had multiple head shot poses, all from side angles.
We texted and seemed to have some initial chemistry.
Well, when she showed up (30 minutes late...strike one), immediately it was apparent she wasn't "average build," as she was built like a middle LB (strike 2)
She sat, I bought her a drink, and ... whoa....  now the head-shot only reason!  Not to be ugly, but I didn't know which eye to look into: as she was severely cock-eyed. (Strike 3: it was a short date, and no 2nd date)

Bait n switch! 
Many have group only, pics, only w other women. You literally don't know who's profile it is! LOL

Photoshopped
Early in my adventure, I connected with who appeared to be a very attractive Brazilian woman.
We met Uptown for early diner.  Well, it was obvious from jump, ALL of her pictures were photoshopped. Add to this, she basically fudged and failed to disclose she was an unemployed actress.

Glamour shots
Yeah, 1980s Glamour Shots don't really do it.

 Selfies with animals
Ok, look, I love animals.  But I'd say profile pics with dogs (or just pics of dogs...) doesn't show you're really on the hunt for a relationship.  Especially if the selfie is you and .. wait for it....a hamster.

Pics with dog licking and kissing you on the lips… ummmm, wow, big no.

User name "sexxy" or "hotty "
Ummmm, nope.

Sticking tongue out
Never quite got the tongue wagging selfies

Bootylicious
I've never dated a woman of color.  But apparently from the hundreds of shots from behind (often self taken via mirrors) of their bubble butt booties sticking out is a thing. 

Profile is pic of a picture
Ummmm, can you say "selfie"?

It's really a not-so great adventure, one that I wouldn't really wish upon any of my friends.

BREAKING NEWS: MARCON TO BE INTERIM NFL COMMISSIONER

 BREAKING NEWS: MARCON TO BE INTERIM NFL COMMISSIONER

NFL commissioner Roger "Make Sure We F Saints" Goodell has, in an unprecedented move, made long-time Saints' fan, Jeff Marcon of Kenner, LA, indefinitely the interim commissioner.

Goodell said he will travel to Sumatra for a "soul cleansing time" and try the same psychedelic drug ayahuasca, that Aaron Rodgers tried. 

"I am humbled and excited to help the NFL," said Marcon. "I will be working with NFL owners and the NFL players' association to implement immediate changes, ones that will not screw the Saints every year. "

Marcon provided an initial list of rule changes and other orders that will be installed for the 2023 season:

1. All Pass Interference calls reviewable

    Teams will have 2 PI challenges per game.

    Arm barring by offensive players will be main focus.

2. An electronic chip will be installed in every NFL game ball.

    The chip will work with Hawk eye system.

   Hawk-Eye is a computer vision system used in numerous sports such as cricket, tennis, Gaelic football, badminton, hurling, rugby union, association football and volleyball, to visually track the trajectory of the ball and display a profile of its statistically most likely path as a moving image. The onscreen representation of the trajectory results is called Shot Spot.

    Instead of geriatric, over-weight side judges guessing, this technology will quickly show touchdowns, out-of-bounds plays, etc

3. All NFL crews will be full-time, and crews will rotate every game.

    "A multi-billion dollar business is governed by part-time refs.. It's ludicrous," Marcon fumed.

4. Bill Vinovich and his entire NOLA no-call crew permanently banned from league.

5. QB sacks will be determined by defender pulling either flags from waist or pushing  a belt buzzer that stops the play (thanks Deion)

    Just kidding.  The current sack rule will be totally scrapped, and only severe blows to QBs head will be flagged.

6. Current over-time rules will change to college rules, but ball will be placed at 45.

7. All kickoffs will be eliminated. 

    After scores, ball will be placed at 25.

8. The "complete the catch" rule scrapped, and revert back to simply possession and 2 feet down. 

    "If sandlot game catches can use this rule,why not NFL?" Marcon said.

9. NFL refs will now face media scrutiny after each game. Also, an independent supervisory board, voted in by current NFL players, will be elected to judge & punish grievous errors by refs, to include monetary fines and possible exile to Russia

10. Pass interference and illegal contact rules to be scrapped.

PI will now mirror college rule, and be a spot foul.

Illegal contact will be a 10-yard penalty, but no longer an automatic first down.

11. NFL technology and social media teams will wipe all videos and other media of NOLA no-call and Minneapolis Miracle from existence.

    Any media outlet showing these replays will be fined $1 zillion.

12. Minnesota Vikings will no longer be allowed to play that obnoxious viking horn sound after every play.

13. Stadium announcers are banned from saying every 3rd down, "It's thhhhhhhhiiiiiiiirrrrrrd dowwwwwwnnnnnn!"

"In an air of transparency not seen ever in the NFL, you can contact my office and we will consider any and all other changes to improve the game," Marcon said. 

Wrestling with Obedience

 Last night, I really wrestled with my mind, something I rarely do with such veracity.

I had a first meet/ date with a lady I met online in Baton Rouge. Long story, short : mid-way thru the dinner, she basically said she wasn't interested in seeing me again. Nothing rude or mean, just matter of factly. (my friend Todd, my dating counselor, said, "sounds like a bitch!" LOL)

Driving home, I was angry, frustrated, hurt, and just flipping tired of the seemingly endless chase to find someone to date.  I even woke up pissed off.

The doubts, fears, questions rattled non-stop in my mind, and I thought, "Man, I have to get my mind in obedience with God, just trust His timing, His plan."   It didn't work at that moment.

Then like God always does, He speaks to me through others.

First, I watched a devotional by Tony Evans, where he said we have to go to God's truth, and that truth will set us free.

Then, I went to Church of the King service, and guess what series started today?

MINDGAMES.

Are you kidding me!!!???  

It's as if God wrote today's message just for me.

Pastor Steve spoke of renewing our minds with God's word & promises.  And how the devil can't read your mind, but can plant thoughts & see how you react.  God's word is the sword to fend off the devil's ploys.

Well, the devil got me last night. But God said "I got you" today.  God spoke to me about breaking down strongholds - the barriers the devil puts in my mind to frustrate me, to anger me, to cause loneliness and hurt.

"... to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ..."

II Corinthians 10:5

The strongholds come, and will continue to come, but God's word will break them down.

Amen.

A can of green beans

When my mom and I moved back to New Orleans from Texas around 1975ish (funny I really don't know why we moved back...), I can remember my mom doing grocery shopping for my dad.

Not until years later, did I give thought to how odd this entire relationship was.

Fact is my dad never did drive. So this was part of this oddity. I've asked my sisters why he didn't drive, and they never really could explain.

Well, one vivid memory I have was my dad fussing at my mom, as she unloaded groceries from those heavy brown paper bags in his tiny apartment kitchen.  It was the memory of him, fussing at her at prices of little stuff... like....

A can of green beans.

I can hear him saying, "why did you pay 39 cents for these, when they were on sale for 35 cents?"

Instead of being grateful, he chose to nit-pick about pennies.  I am sure these were only few of the seeds sown that reaped a spirit of poverty that I have battled my entire life, even now almost 58 years into this joyous life.

I've prayed about it. I've fought it. But very often (really up until the last 5-6 years), the poverty darkness clouded my spirit of generosity, the latter I yearned to know, to feel.

Truth is this poverty spirit was a major thorn in my marriage, and bothered Denise to no end. We never talked about this (lack of communication about difficult subjects another major marital problem...)

I truly don't want part of my legacy to be that of meagerness, but of fruitfulness, of generosity in all things: time, money, service.

Lord, give me a spirit of giving, of generosity to others. Help me to see opportunities to share my blessings with others around me.

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

"“A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.” Proverbs 11:25

the hole

As joyous as I walk daily, knowing in my heart that God has such great plans still for my life, I still have a hole.

In moments when I am alone in my house, even as worship fills my ears thru ear buds, I am often lonely. 

I stare down into that hole of being alone, of not having someone to love, to hold, to kiss, to snuggle with, and to share my deepest emotions.

Sadness touches my mind, as I see others find a mate to be with, even if it's just casual dating.  How did they find someone?  I've wandered in this dessert of singleness, and fight the doubt of ever finding someone.

A scene is Yellowstone, resonates in my soul...  Beth and Rip, who love each other wildly, both realize that the hurt they've experienced in past relationships, might taint them from ever really feeling love again. I cried when I heard this, wondering if that was me.. that the depths of her affair might never really truly heal, that I won't ever feel that unconditional love I felt.

But I have to grasp tightly to God, pushing away the searing hurt, the dark doubt, and believe that He will still make a way for that next love of my life.

But man, the seeming endless wait - now more than 7 years! - sure is tough.

God is Jehovah Jireh, my great provider. 

My Life story Part 2

 Joy is both a choice and a gift.

I can remember from a very early age, that my mom was an incredibly upbeat and positive person, always laughing whistling, dancing adn singing.

She would always say, "There but for the grace of God go I."  I captured early that no matter my circumstances, there was someone out there much worse off, someone who had much less than me.

My mom was a church-goer, not overly religious but more of your standard Roman Catholic, go to Sunday mass types. But I could tell she had that spirit of joy and caring for others that was very different than most.  

She would stop at bus stops, and give people rides all the time.  She would talk to strangers out and about, and just be nice to them.  She chose to be joyful in midst of having little income, and battling the guilt of leaving my dad.

Do I know for sure she was guilt ridden? No, I don't.  But all signs pointed to this being the case.  She would grocery shop for him for many years after she left him.  She didn't fight him much about the lack of financial support he gave us (he didn't give her full child-support, I know this)

You may be wondering, how did she leave my dad? And why?

I only remember that one day, in middle of 2nd grade, I was called into the office of J C Ellis elementary, and told to pack up my locker.  When I arrived home, there was large U Haul moving van in the driveway.  At that moment, we drove to Corpus Christi, TX, and lived with my sister Kathy, her husband Rick and their 4 small children, Dennis, Brian, Missy and Beth.

Eventually, we moved to a tiny apartment in Clearlake City, right outside of Houston.

I have fond memories of playing make-believe superhero games with Dennis and Brian, poor Brian, the youngest of us 3 boys, always the tortured and beat up on bad guy.  

Not so fond memory, was my sister Kathy always seemingly singling me out for fussing at and other disciplinary actions.

My mom was a very unskilled worker, pretty sure she only graduated high school. Her mom and dad,  Agnus and Peter Paul Catalani, directly from Germany and Italy respectively, owned a very successful restaurant in San Antonio, where my mom was born and eventually met my father,  Harry Stanley Marcon.  Story is that my mom's parents also ran a bootleg beer distribution in evenings from the restaurant, supplying the military which had a base in San Antonio.

I didn't get a chance to really know my grandparents on mom's side. By this time, I was 9-10, and they were already in their 80s.  All I remember was Peter Paul sitting in living room, all the furniture wrapped in heavy plastic and house reeked of mothballs,  him watching TV and Agnus always fussing at him.  He would reply in Italian!   And the few times, we went to visit them, she would always make homemade peach ice cream in their backyard in a old-time wooden ice-cream maker.

Note: my mom and I moved to TX with her boyfriend, guy named Wayne, who she was having an affair with (of which I had no idea about prior). Not much to share about him: he was nice, an alcoholic, who worked on the Mississippi River as a tug boat deckhand.

My Life Story Part 1

 "I've forgotten more than you've learned."

Well, this might be true as I begin this journal journey to share my life story with you: Kade, Kyle and Kaylyn.

On ride home from a Christmas eve gathering on the Northshore, I was chatting with Kade and realized how little my children know about my life story.

I've said for a long time, I would love to know more about my mom and dad's history. I've only gotten fuzzy snapshots of their life from my sisters, primarily Norma, though Kathy is the true historian of our family.

Wow. Where do I start.

After my divorce, I started to see a Christian therapist to deal with the grief, the anger, and more.  But after only a few sessions, I stopped. But during that time, he said I should begin a re-discovery of my life, jotting down all that I could remember from various time periods.  I began to do this, and was surprised how little I could recall from my pre-teen years.

So, gentlemen, rev those engines, and here we go again!

Red-brick with terrazzo floors.  

Those are the outstanding features about my 2nd childhood house on Homestead Avenue.

When I was born,  my parents, Gloria Quinn and Harry Stanley Marcon, lived on Hessmer, in the heart of what is now Old Metairie, not far from St. Catherine school.  I really have no memories of this house, aside from black & white photos now stored deep in my attic.

The Homestead house though.. I have fond memories of neighborhood life there.  

The house sat only 2 streets over from my elementary school, JC Ellis, and I had 2 of my best friends, Mark Schexnaildre and Mike Hoover, within 1 block too. 

I don't remember much of the interior of the Homestead house, likely because I literally lived outside.  

There was a large fig tree in our backyard, one right next to the one-car/patio style garage. The tree was  large, green domed-shaped, and I would crawl inside the outer layer and pretend it was a Batman cave, even drawing with permanent markers on the leaves, all the different devices of my batcave!

And sneaking out the rear of my bat cave, I would sneak and make small fires in the creepy dark alley behind the garage.  For some odd reason, I was fascinated with small fires.

Right in front of the fig tree, was a palmetto tree, with one long branch that reached out across the yard. We'd climb up into it, and see how high we could get and then jump from it.  Climbing any and all very tall trees always was an adventures I didn't shy from.

Mark, Mike and I also would always climb over and through neighbors yards. Why walk all around houses and in the street, when you can climb over fences? Somehow we dodged getting attacked by dogs.

Mark and I would remain best friends until I suddenly was yanked from 2nd grade and moved to Texas and remained so upon my return to Louisiana (more to come on this...)  I would sleep over his house all the time.  And in class, he and I had a running competition to see who could finish work first.   We were always 1st and 2nd to raise our hands. 

Elementary school was uneventful, though I was very good at marbles. I'd bring my sack of glass marbles, and we'd play at recess.

My food experimentations began at 1st and 2nd grade lunch: I would always put different chips, mostly potato chips, on my luncheon meat or bologna sandwiches.  and oh, the chocolate milk at school lunch.. wow so good.